Tyler's Special Request

I am currently alone in the office (Koy has accompanied Bem to do something bout her passport. Johanna and Pla are off to Laos and Kunming, Marwaan's still in Spain and the temporary accountant is in her own cubicle)

I've pretty much completed my assignment as 'Editorial Assistant' and have read the ILO report for the 8th time now... Now all I've gotta do is wait for the messenger to arrive so I can hand the marked scripted to the designer...

On to the agenda! As requested by Tyler in the tagboard, I will be doing a special post about something close to my heart. FARTING!

Me and farting, we go a long way back. Back in Elementary school, I was given the codename 'silent killer' for a single reason. I guess I don't have to tell you that. On one instance, the teacher next door came over and asked my teacher if he smelt something foul. The entire class just pointed to me like I just bombed the school! So in an act of vengeance, I decided to let of some gas in the school library where we were sleeping in during one of those 'study camps'. Mind you that the library is the size of 3 standard classrooms and was fully air conditioned. Within 5 seconds the entire class was running out of the library and gasping for fresh air... Oh well!

I suppose I should elaborate on the different kinds of farts.

Silence!

This refers to the silent gases that we often pass in public. Most of the time we try to muffle or lower the volume of the fart by going as lightly and softly as possible. The trick to not getting any sound at all is to let go at a steady stream. It must be strong enough to keep the a$$hole open but not too strong to make a sound. Often enough, the inexperienced will produce an audible sound similar to how we would pronounce 'fffffft'. Notably, this kind of farts has the longest duration and also, due to the prolonged opening of the canal, produces the strongest stench, never mind what you had for lunch.

BOOM!

The loudest of all farts with the greatest velocity as well. This often comes from the obnoxious guy who cares nothing about manners and image. To make the loudest fart, one has to channel all his abdominal muscles into releasing all the gas in one umph! Be careful though, the inexperienced might mistake doodoo for gas and end up getting a hershey stain. As the chinese saying goes: "臭屁不響，響屁不臭", the stinky fart isn't loud, and the loud fart doesn't stink. For the best effect, sit down on the floor and have a large enough bottom to create a favorable flap that is also amplified by the floor as it bounces off.

Trumpet fanfare

These are the kinds of farts that randomly surface  when faced with a favorable air flow. I remember getting these kinds of sounds when I was asleep (as told by my friends) as well as times when I'm seated on a plastic chair. Pitch and volume are both controlled by the position of your bottom as well as the intensity of your release. Most of the times, the pitch will start of low and travel upwards as your gas reaches it's limit.

FLAME ON!

Once in a while, some idiots would be tempted to create a pyrotechnic display that involves farting towards your lighter such that the methane in your gas would catch fire and thus create a flamethrower effect. The trick to this is to make sure that your farts are strong enough yet stable. One that is strong but keeps cutting off would only create puffs of flames while one that is too weak would burn your pants. Proceed with caution!

Toilet please!

While unintentional, these are the ones to look out for. Reason I'm saying so is these are like your police sirens, telling you to give way. Chances are the origin of these farts are people who are urgently looking for a toilet to release some solid wastes. Of course it'll be fun to block their way and hope they let go in surrender, but I'm not that evil...

If you have any additions to this list of gases, please tell me so in the tagboard, or make a comments here. Ok I shall now go and watch CNN and laugh at how desperate Hillary Clinton is...